1. My Personal Double Whammy (Or How I Came to Write This Book) 1
2. Yesterday's Language 3
3. What We Say and How We Say It 8
4. What We Do 29
5. Gifts of Many Kinds 41
6. Be Patient with the Patient 58
7. The Professionals 64
8. It's OK to Laugh 78
9. Puzzle Pieces 89
10. More Pieces 111
11. Caring for the Caregiver 120
12. Reprise 131
13. Afterword: My Personal Cancer Story 133
With Appreciation 141
Resources 143
1. My Personal Double Whammy
(Or How I Came to Write This Book)
"You have cancer."
Hearing those words once is bad. Twice is devastating.
This is not a "how to" book. Having lived through two agonizing battles with two different cancers, I am expert only in the struggle for my own survival. But I also lived through the comments, queries, reactions, and behavior of strangers, friends, and family toward me as the comfortable world I thought I knew was totally transformed. Having cancer changes people. This book grew out of those changes and their influences on me: the rude or cruel appraisals of my physical appearance, the sometimes stupid attempts to be humorous, the well-meaning but thoughtless stabs at being helpful. A phrase leapt out at me - Cancer Etiquette - and I immediately knew that should be the book's title.
Now, mind you, in all fairness, many people uttered comforting, soothing words; many people knew just what to do when I was desperate and confused. My family was as solidly supportive as they could be; but there were enough blunders and enough hurtful mishaps to make me wonder if perhaps other cancer patients had felt verbally abused, or had endured behavioral "boo-boos." So, I started asking. And did they ever come forth with their resentments, their pain, and their anger!
Although some have positive memories, too many others recounted incidents that caused anguish and deep hurt. Then I knew I was onto something. I pursued my research with voluminous reading of books and articles on cancer and its impact on people. I also communicated through e-mails and interviews with patients and caregivers from all over the country and, in some cases, outside the United States. All the stories in this book are true, even though some incidents sound almost unbelievable. Full names, of course, are not given for reasons of privacy.
The more I investigated, the more convinced I became that most people do not know what to say or what to do when someone they know or love has cancer. This book will help them find words that will not offend or hurt, but will help to comfort. This book will enable them to perform simple acts of loving-kindness that are blessings to the patient.
If you become more aware of the power your words have to hurt - or heal, this book will have accomplished its purpose. If you become more knowing about how to help - not hinder - the recovery of someone who is battling cancer, then we can all say, "Hooray!"
